you have no idea

you have no idea how frequent you passed through my mind for the entire day. thinking about how are you doing, imagining what shirt you are wearing, visualizing the food are you eating, virtually attending the same class you are in. 

you have no idea how much i wanted your presence. your smell that clouds the atmosphere, comforting me in a way nobody does. your gaze that buries me in the deep of a mirage, only you and i can enter. your touch that never fails to make me swoon in utter glee. 

you have no idea how much future I have consciously built with you in it. Our side and back yard with your garage and court. Our bedroom with the enormous bathroom. Our travels in Peru and Russia. You teaching me how to drive, even if I don’t want to. You leaving for abroad, and me going after you. 

you have no idea how much i wanted for you to be the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. The one who will hold my hand, engulf me in the biggest and warmest hugs, kiss me til who knows when. The person who will be with me til gray dominates my head. til I reach six feet under.

you also have no idea how much I worry if you even have the slightest thought of me the entire time we aren’t talking. 

you have no idea that I always feel like a burden, a heavy load which slows you down in whatever it is that you’re doing. 

you have no idea how massive the pain is to receive all those bladed words every time a bicker starts. How heavy it gets when you shoot me at the same wound. How excruciating it is to take everything you’re throwing at me, when all the time I wanted to heal yours.

you have no idea how hard it is to continue imagining myself with you in the future when all the time it is my hopeless case you are thinking of. How you make it seem like you have continuously given up on me. How you remind me how bad of a person that I am.

You have no idea how much I can sacrifice. You have no idea how much pain I can still take.

I think I do now
no cheers. 



I didn’t think it would be this painful– to have lost something I always thought, dreamed, and claimed was ours. The pain is excruciating that I cannot help but cry. No, weep– weep until I lost my consciousness to sleep.

Words aren’t enough to possibly sum up everything that is happening in my nervous system right now. there’s this twitch that goes on every minute, reminding me of the ache of missing something that could have been ours. There’s that loud beating of shame screaming right at me, letting me shrink into this midget ball of weakness drenched in salty tears. There’s also that shovel digging through my entirety leaving nothing but those could have’s and should have’s.

But then there’s still that sunshine that blasts everything to thin air, that comforts me and reminds me every good thing under every pang. That even after all these, even if the fatigue was turned to nothing–there are a lot more to be thankful for, than to be this miserable pieces of broken glass smacked by a base ball bat–all too familiar to every one who’s been in this position.

So to all the people whom I have let down deeply, I’m very very sorry, more than you know and can comprehend. I’m still grateful you were there all the way. I guess God has some better and more awesome plan prepared for us. Thankyou!

To my ever loving BERT, I love you with all the bits of my powdered heart hehe I’m sorry that that was all I did for us. I’m still more than happy I got you and our love for each other. This will be missed, intensely. 

To my mum and my number 1.5 supporter, you’re still my favorite people and you never fail to make me feel special even after the opposite materialized. iloveyou both so muuuuch!

Cheers to God and all the blessings both bare and in disguise! iloveyou all ! 😘🤗 

to my beloved valentine 

dear you,

since the first time we celebrated this time of the year when we first held hands, to the second one when we got official, to the third when we splurged and ended up in food coma, to this year when I thought we wouldn’t even have any– i have never loved you less. 

it’s actually funny (and almost absurd) how constantly my love for you grows. as cheesy as it sounds, I just grew loving you more (and more) than I thought I am capable of. And you know too well how big of a deal that was for me haha! So I just want to thank you for the opportunity to share this awesomely awesome love to a single human being, who happens to be you hihi 

thankyou for the surprise! Hihi. Could not ask for more than the mere fact that my mom approves of your cheesiness and romantic gestures. and yes, you still never fail to prove me wrong, in the best ways possible. haaaaay. you’re the best! you know that, right?

thinking about all these makes me swoon, every single time. it is awesome how things are slowly aligning themselves into their respective dwellings and I could not thank God enough for everything that He’s been generously giving me, giving us. Hihi


thank you for everything pogii! i love you! cheers! 😍😘


yanaa 💋

ps. soon 😁